I’m listening to Sam Cooke, Clarence Carter and other R&B artists sing love songs and it’s intriguing. As I’ve been wondering how my bills are going to be paid without a job as I’ve been working full time to look for a job, I’ve been receiving some passionate attention from a couple of men and mature girl-watching from many others. To be on this end of the attention is such a game-changer. I’m learning to use discretion in both to whom and in what manner I respond. (For a while I was giving my number to everyone!)
Male-to-male I was never with a guy (kissing and the other stuff they do) so after my transition I didn’t think I’d want to be with them or that I could easily brush them away if they got too close. However it’s not that easy to escape when they fix their sights on you, especially if they’ve been imbibing. They’re pretty persistent, those T-driven fellows!
So when a guy buys me a drink, which I certainly will not refuse :), I begin a mental tab of what I owe him. Sort of like an eye-for-an-eye but in a sweeter way! And my idea of returning the favor is to talk to him, smile at him often, and possibly even let him “chair dance” on his bar stool directly up against my back as I face the band. Since I usually refuse to dance on two feet and since music literally moves me, this has happened a few times! I definitely consider the bill to be paid in full if I sweetly place a kiss on his stubby face.
However he doesn’t see it that way. Kind of like the cave man mentality, he owns me and the final conquest into my octopus’ garden that evening is simply a matter of time. This happened dramatically once when a guy brought a bottle of wine to the condominium pool one night after he finished his kiosk business on Duval, which I’ve mentioned. The expectation of my body was assumed (by him), albeit with the utmost concern and respect (in his mind). My soft resistance was futile until he wanted his member to join my OG Club. I’d have no part of that, especially in the back seat of my car.
So the same guy is back again a few weeks later. I sort of like him and was wondering if he should be the “first.” “But I can’t let him in me,” I’m thinking, “unless he knows about me.” So we met on the beach late that evening. I had already poured in much wine and he brought me more, which I guzzled. Sure enough, our shirts were up and our pants were down and he’s telling how nice I am and how he loves my soft kisses. We were close to consummation and I knew it would happen very soon so I begged off and tried to disclose. “Just tell me,” he reassured me as I grew more and more frantic holding back my news of the hour. “I have four children and have never been with a man,” I blurted out. When he didn’t get it, I declared, “It was my sperm!”
Even though my short, handsome, muscular, ex-military friend seems to be fine with the news (there’s no evidence otherwise since he’s contacted me since that night), this has sent a tidal wave into the homeostasis of my Key West existence. So I’m keeping that male relationship at a distance in hopes of remaining friends and pouring water on any remaining passionate embers…
But here I am in a another male relationship. He’s a prince! Except for a dear high school friend, I didn’t know a guy could be a huge sculptured hunk and be so considerate! So… I’m moving forward in this relationship and approaching the D-Day invasion of my virgin OG. The prerequisite of his OG visit, we agreed, would be me bringing myself to ecstasy. I’m working on that! Unbeknownst to my prince, the nerve endings in my clitoris are still healing so unfortunately I am numb to most of his sweet attempts to please me. He thinks, which is also true, I’ve been recovering from a dismal psychological period of my life where I basically shut down sexually.
So, concerning going deep in relationships, I don’t think I’ll disclose my status again on this island but that doesn’t mean a guy can’t guess, such as when a deep groan emanates from within me instead of the usual soft sigh. Scary thought but it actually happened a couple nights ago. I don’t think it phased him but he’s astute and I’m not sure.
All this to say that I’m walking a stealth tight rope in Key West, not a safe place to be, despite the paradise amenities and BL’s tremendous giving. So I’m wondering if I need to plan my exit, hopefully to a decent job waiting for me.
~ The week ~
I share our KW living expenses but I’m still not working. My small tax refund helped a little bit towards February’s budget.
I interviewed with a telecommunications carrier this week to be a sales support rep and my heart wasn’t in it, even though I gave good answers and looked great in my peasant skirt and sleeveless lace and embroidered top. The employees looked like college students! I know my heart wasn’t in it because I had to remind myself to smile.
Emotionally things are adding up, including emails from a relative telling me I’m being “flirtatious” and am being read by prospective employers and they don’t want “drama” in their business. Isn’t that great encouragement? So then why all this guy attention? And did the fine dining restaurant experience drama in my two years there under the greatest pressure? (Well, come to think about it, maybe a little…)
Hopefully your week went better.
So long for now…