Friends and I were dialoging recently about the aging effects of hormones and the GRS both mentally and physically. At the beginning of the transition we mentally feel like young teenagers finally going through puberty. For me it was about three years ago and then a dear forever-young friend and I gravitated to the Juniors department at Kohls and other clothing stores!
The timelines of our paths to womanhood all vary and mine went into warp speed. The highs and lows were extreme. I lost two jobs and most of my relationships, all religion connected, as I was judged for my decision. (Like I had a choice in this? “Who would ask for this?” Dr. Renee Richards once exclaimed.) Oh but the highs were worth it all! I was set free from a cage. I danced with joy and had to pinch myself to convince me I wasn’t dreaming!
I did some calculations and think in those pre-op days I was “maturing” from a female puberty age at the rate of about two years for each month I lived. That put me around 50 mentally at the time of my GRS, still 10 years short of my actual age.
After my operation another aging process began as my body was now anatomically female. I’m fresh and new; I’m a virgin. I’ve never been all the way with a guy!
Physiologically, we post-op girls heal and develop at about the same rate. My vagina is losing most of the swelling and numbness (Yay!) and bacterially changing to what is similar in a genetic teenage girl. It’s kind of like one month for me physically now equals two years of normal female development. When post-op about one year, I should be near a woman’s physiology somewhat near my age. Hopefully I can match that mentally! Sometimes I feel so goofy I wonder if I’ll ever grow up! Oh, and I also have a new, perky, pair of full grown girls who have helped mentally!
~ The Week ~
It was a hard week… Very sweet and also sour.
- BL has had a couple folks visiting lately and, one after another, they’ve impacted me positively. I fell for F, the first guest, a handsome, wise Jewish fellow.
- I had a long, engaging interview as a part time Administrative Assistant that I think went quite well.
- Wearing a hoodie to block the 72 degree wind, I spent hours on the beach one night with a handsome guy who brought me wine. Eventually I didn’t need the hoodie.
- After three months I finally made a significant Oklahoma connection here in Key West.
- And then last night I worked my first paid Key West shift, a catering event.
Those are good things.
But I’m feeling the earth move under my feet.
- My back is against the wall; nothing is certain and the tension is causing cracks in my paradise. I’m not depressed over it. I’m resolute and focused on becoming gainfully employed somehow somewhere.
- And then guys and disclosure… I had to do it this week because I’m in a relationship that is becoming serious and I don’t want it to go any further unless he knows. He would be making a serious investment inside me and he deserves to know! He took it well and says I’m still “so beautiful” and my “kisses are very soft.” 🙂 He’s sweet and sensitive.
- The disclosure has turned out to be very painful in other ways. To lessen the pain I recall my words, “I have four children and have never been with a man!” He asked how that could be and I said, “My sperm did it!”
- But now I don’t think I want this relationship to continue. Yeah, I know… I could have saved myself a lot of…
- In fact, I’m short circuiting another male friendship because we might come to the same place and I don’t want to go through this again. Why shouldn’t I disclose, you might ask? Because this is a small island…
Until next time,